If I Only Had The Heart
by ashleyxtragedy
Summary: Brooke Davis thought watching Julian walk out of her life was the hardest thing she would have to endure. What she didn’t expect was a small present growing in her uterus constantly reminding her that he wasn’t there anymore.
1. You're as Weak as the Hearts You Break

There was a problem when Brook Davis had tears in her eyes. A face as angelic as hers did not need tears to grace her dark, hazel eyes, but for some reason Brooke Davis was sitting on the floor of her bathroom with tears streaming down her face.

She remember that there was point in her life where everything was going exactly the way she wanted it to. She had a company. She had an apartment in the city. She had famous friends. She had it all. Brooke Davis was on the fast track to having everything she ever wanted.

It's funny how that all could change so quickly.

She wasn't living in New York anymore. She hasn't for over a year. Her company was in shambles and she could barely tolerate her mother. She some how became responsible for a teenager and her love life was almost nonexistence.

Everything Brooke Davis loved seemed to turn to stone. First with Lucas. Felix really didn't count. Chase was innocent. Owen never should have happened. Now, there was Julian.

Julian. Mister Big-Shot-Hollywood-Producer was a _mistake_. Brooke didn't understand how she let herself get so attached. It was only a matter of time before he had to go back to California. It was only a matter of time before he forgot about Tree Hill and Brooke Davis

Her tears seemed to be flooding faster as Brooke leaned her head back and rested it on the cabinet. She tried hard to muffle her sobs. She didn't want Sam to hear her.

"Brooke?"

Brooke quickly wiped the tears from her eyes. As if Sam could actually see her puffy, red eyes through the door. "Yeah?"

"You've been in there for awhile."

"Uh," Brooke stammered, not really sure how to justify her recent inhabitance of the bathroom. "I'm waxing."

"At seven in the morning?"

"That's when I always do it?" Brooke stuttered. "Shouldn't you be in school?"

"It's Saturday."

"Oh," Brooke sighed. "Aren't you going over Haley's?"

"At eleven."

"Why are you up so early?"

"I need to use the bathroom."

"Oh," Brooke lifted herself up from the floor. She quickly glanced at herself in the mirror to make sure her face wasn't two damaged. She let out a sigh in hopes to calm herself down and pulled open the door.

Sam leaned against the wall with her arms folded over each other. Her hair was crazy and there was still sleep in her eyes, "Were you crying?"

It took Brooke a moment to come up with something, "The waxing. It's painful."

Brooke abruptly scrambled to her room, shutting the door behind her. She collapsed onto her bed and bit back the sudden nausea that came over her.

What if Sam knew? What if she heard?

Brooke tried to shake the thoughts from her head. She carefully reached over to her nightstand to grab her cell phone. She scrolled through her contacts and looked for the number she needed. After three rings a voice came over the phone.

"_Tree Hill Medical Center_."

"Hi, my name is Brooke Davis," Brooke began, butterflies bursting through her abdomen. "I was wondering if Doctor Lee had an opening Monday morning?"

Silence took over the phone and Brooke's anticipation was getting the best of her.

"_Is nine o'clock okay_?"

"That's fine."

"_And what is the nature of this visit_?"

"A pregnancy test."

* * *

Feedback is greatly appreciated.

I'd love to know what you guys think.

-Ashley.


	2. To Hell With the Bad News

Brooke Davis sat awkwardly atop the examining table. The ticking clock was the only sound echoing through the room. There was a slight sterile chill that the thin, pink gown did not block out. She hated this. She hated waiting.

It had been thirty minutes. Thirty minutes since they took a vile of blood from her left arm. Thirty minutes since they put her in this room. It was thirty minutes too long.

It was a false positive. Brooke Davis was sure of it. There was no way she could be pregnant. It was stress. That was what she had been telling herself for the past week. Stress. That's all it was.

A soft knock on the door sent Brooke out of her thoughts. As the door pushed open, Brooke was met by the tall, blond that she had been going to since she was sixteen.

"Good morning, Brooke," Doctor Lee smiled, her bright blue eyes lighting up the room.

"Hey, Doctor Lee," Brooke smiled nervously. Her hands fell to her lap and her fingers were intertwining nervously.

"You look nervous," She laughed as she set Brooke's chart on the counter.

"I am."

"Well, I won't let you wait any longer," The doctor smiled. "Congratulations, Brooke. You're pregnant."

Brooke was holding her breath, but she wasn't sure why. She was pregnant. _Pregnant_. With child. Expecting. Knocked-up.

Her hands found the way to her stomach. The only thing Brooke came in contact with was her flat, toned stomach. There was a fetus in there. A small being that was going to grow, move , and need love and nurture. This is what Brooke Davis had waited for, for so long.

She finally had what she wanted.

"I'm pregnant," Brooke whispered. She was still wrapping her head around it. A baby. She was having a baby. Her baby. Julian's baby.

"Brooke," Doctor Lee started, as she picked Brooke's chart back up. "Do you remember the last date of your period?"

Brooke had to think. Could it have been that long? She had been so preoccupied lately that she never even realized she hadn't received her monthly gift, "The beginning of March, maybe."

Brooke watched as the doctor scribbled down words and numbers on the piece of paper, "You're probably further along than I suspected."

Brooke began to do the math in her head. It was now the beginning of May. That was about two months since March. Julian left before the end of the month. That meant it was conceived somewhere in the middle. It was all too confusing for Brooke.

"You're probably looking at an early to mid December delivery," Doctor Lee smiled. "An early Christmas present."

A Christmas present. Most people asked for a piece of jewelry, or a new camera. A baby? Of course, it was the most precious gift Brooke could ever ask for, but these were not the circumstances she wanted it from.

Julian was on the other side of the country. They weren't even together, for God sakes. She couldn't even admit to loving him, and now she was carrying his child? It made no sense.

After receiving her physical examination, Brooke began to pull her clothes back on. It felt good to be out of that thin, cotton robe. She wasn't cold anymore and it meant this appointment was over.

"Do you have any questions, Brooke? Concerns?"

Brooke shook her head, "No. I think I have this under control."

"Alright," Doctor Lee threw her, her signature smile. "Just make an appointment with the receptionist for two weeks for your first ultrasound."

Brooke nodded one last time before she pulled open the door. A wave of relief took over her body as she entered the waiting area. After she made an appoint for two weeks from today, she headed for the exit. The only thing on her mind was finding any ice cream shop opened at ten o'clock and getting Bubble Gum in the largest size they had.

"Brooke?" The familiar voice echoed from behind.

Brooke cursed to herself has she turned around slowly. The two figures stood before her. Smiles were adorning their faces, "Luke. Peyton. Hey."

"Brooke, what are you doing her?" Her very pregnant best friend laughed.

"Oh, you know," Brooke stammered. "Annual visit."

Lucas chuckled, "We were just going to grab some breakfast. You want to come?"

Brooke shook her head, "I have to go pick Sam up from school."

"It's ten."

"Half day," Brooke lied.

"Alright," Peyton said cautiously, not fully believing Brooke.

Brooke quickly said good-bye and ran to her car. She threw it into drive and sped off in the direction of her house. Driving with the windows down was such a stress reliever for Brooke. It was as if all her problems were melting into the wind, but in reality they weren't.

She was pregnant and Julian was in Los Angeles.

Brooke shoved her house key into the lock when she arrived home. All she wanted to do was turn her cell phone off and take a nap. As she pushed the door open, the sounds of Full House took over her ears. The television was flashing with Uncle Jesse and Michelle. Brooke looked down at the couch and saw a figure, "Samantha? What are you doing home?"

Sam smiled innocently up at Brooke, "I'm sick," she let out a fake cough.

"You are so not sick," Brooke narrowed her eyes, placing one hand on her hip.

"No, I'm not sick," Sam grinned. "I'm not pregnant, either."

Brooke's jaw dropped.

"So, if the pregnancy test in the bathroom isn't mine…" Sam trailed on.

Brooke fell silent. Sam knew her secret. As if it was really that hard to figure out.

"Oh," Sam added. "Julian called."

Brooke's eyes grew, "You didn't-"

"Tell him he knocked you up?" Sam teased.

"Sam!"

"I didn't tell him! God."

"You," Brooke said as she scrambled to sit down on the couch next to Sam. "You can't tell anyone."

"You can't exactly hide it for very long."

"It's too early," Brooke sighed, leaning back into her couch.

As silence took over them, Brooke felt all her stress rush back.

"Brooke?"

"Yeah?"

"You're going to tell Julian, right?"

That was the question Brooke was dreading, "I don't know, Sam."

She really didn't.

* * *

Thank you for all the comments!

Please, keep them coming. Knowing you guys like it makes me want to update more.

You can also contact me on AIM: ash is a hustler. I love talking to new people.


	3. This Girl's A Mess You Could Sell

"Sam," Brooke screamed as she looked at her reflection in the floor length mirror sitting on the light plum colored wall of her bedroom.

They were deceiving her. Her deep, hazel eyes were lying to her. The person in the mirror was not Brooke Davis. Brooke Davis was this glamorous, gorgeous, young, vibrate, strong woman. That _thing_ in the mirror was not her. It was far from it.

"Samantha," Brooke shrilled, her voice bouncing off of her four walls.

Like a whirl of wind, Brooke's bedroom door flew open. A half awake Samantha stood in the doorway almost scared. Her hair was snarled in every direction and her chest was moving rapidly up and down. "_What?"_ The teenager shrieked back_._

"Look at me," Brooke cried, flailing her arms in the air as she turned around.

"What?" Sam repeated.

"Look at me!" Brooke demanded. Her dark-washed, True Religion jeans hung loosely off of her tan hips and her black top with a diagonal neckline fit her in all of the right places. "I'm huge."

Sam's jaw dropped, "Brooke, really?"

"Yes, really," Brooke cried, turning back to the mirror to examine herself once more.

"You aren't even showing yet," Sam rolled her eyes. "It's all in your head."

Brooke grunted as she turned to the side. Sam was right. You couldn't even tell there was a growing ball of cells beneath Brooke Davis's well-toned stomach. It was just her mind playing ticks on her. This was her little secret for at least a few more weeks.

"You should start getting ready for school," Brooke mumbled, still staring at her nonexistent bump in the mirror.

"Do I have to?"

"Yes," Brooke looked up at her. "Fifteen minutes. Go."

Thirty minutes later, Brooke found herself cruising down the streets of Tree Hill. Sam was safely at school and Brooke was nearly at the shop. She was edgier than usual this morning. Her lack of morning coffee and a blueberry muffin was the cause. It was something she would have to get used to. For the next eight or so months it was hot apple cider and yogurt with fruit.

Brooke set her cup on the counter at the shop and pulled open the plastic lid of the yogurt container. She dug her flimsy, white spoon into the matching white goop. The tart taste on her lips was enough to give her morning sickness a run for its money.

"I'm doing this for you," Brooke sighed down at her stomach as she tossed the almost full carton into the waste basket.

"Doing what for who?" A soft voice came from the entrance.

Brooke lifted her eyes to meet the figure that was Haley James Scott. A fake smile appeared on Brooke's lips, "Eating healthy for myself."

Haley laughed, "Well," she lifted up her arms to show off the brown bag and tray of two cups. "I guess we wont be eating these muffins."

Brooke's eyes examined the bag. She could almost taste the warm, sticky goodness that was hidden in it. One wouldn't hurt. One would be fine. She took the rumble in her stomach as a sign, "Maybe just one last muffin?"

Haley grinned wider as she stepped further into the Clothes Over Bros shop. She set the bag on Brooke's desk and turned to her friend, "How are you?"

Brooke was some what taken back by the question. It was asked with such sincerity, but Brooke knew that there was an underlining meaning, "I'm fine."

Haley frowned, "I know you miss him, Brooke."

"I don't know what you're talking about," Brooke muttered, as she picked up the blueberry muffin from the bag.

"Well," Haley giggled. "He's about six feet tall, has dark brown eyes and dirty blond hair, and is quite charming-"

"I get it," Brooke hissed as aggravation took over her.

Haley walked over to the brunette. She placed one hand on her shoulder and sighed, "It's okay to miss him."

"I don't miss him," Brooke said bitterly. "He left. It's over."

"Brooke-"

"Haley," Brooke started. "I love you. You know I love you, but I have a lot of work to do right now. I'm really behind with my sketches."

Haley nodded and picked up her purse. The small bell over the door sung and Haley Scott was gone.

Brooke slumped into her chair. She picked up her black pen and just began to draw. She let her mind run wild. It was her escape. She could forget about everything. She was in her own little world where everything was perfect. Julian wasn't in L.A. She wasn't hiding her little surprise from everyone. She was happy.

But those few precious moments barely lasted. The annoying sound of her cell phone tore her away from her daydream. It was too late by the time Brooke got to her phone. It was already a voice mail. She placed the phone to her ear and waited for the message.

"_Hey, Brooke. It's Julian. I called a couple days ago. I don't know if Sam told you. But, um, call me. I miss-_"

Brooke deleted it before his recording could finish.

This was going to be harder than she thought.

* * *

Sorry it's so fillerish and sorry for the wait.

I promise the next chapter will be so much more interesting.

Keep up the comments.

The more I get the more I want to update!

-Ashley


	4. You're Living A Lie, You Just Can't Hide

Brooke Davis hoped this sudden anxiety she felt at the doctors didn't last. This was supposed to be the happiest time of her life. Her stomach was not supposed to be flipping and flopping. Acid was not supposed to be eating at the back of her throat.

Brooke had dreamed of this moment for the past two years. But in her dreams she wasn't alone. In her dreams she wasn't about to have an anxiety attack. In her dream it was just like the movies. In her dreams she was happy.

She took a deep breath in, in hopes of calming her nerves, but it was no help. Brooke Davis was still shaking and her breathing was still erratic. She chalked it up to the doctors appointment. That's why she was so nervous. In reality, it wasn't.

It had been nearly two weeks since Julian called. Everyday Brooke hoped he would call, but he didn't. She deserved that. After all, she was ignoring the calls and ignoring the fact that she held any remote feelings for him. Brooke Davis locked the door to her heart a long time ago, and that door was not budging.

As the door swung open, a small draft floated through the room. It sent a chill up Brooke's spine. Doctor Lee stood in front of her dressed in nearly the same thing she was two weeks prior. Except, her blond hair was pulled out of her face showing off her well defined cheekbones. "Good morning, Brooke."

"Good morning," Brooke smiled back.

"How are you feeling?"

"Pregnant," She laughed.

"Any morning sickness?"

"Yeah," Brooke sighed. "Morning sickness, afternoon sickness, night sickness."

The doctor nodded as she jotted it down in Brooke's file, "It should pass in a couple weeks."

"Thank god."

The doctor continued to look over Brooke's file, which caused the brunette to become worried. Was something wrong with her? The baby?

"We did find something in your blood tests, Brooke."

"What?" Brooke could feel her heart rate quicken. A small sweat broke out on her forehead. "Is the baby okay?"

"Your iron levels are a little lower than we would like," She looked up at Brooke. "It's easily treated with an iron supplement."

Brooke sighed in relief.

"You may feel a lot more tired and weak. Maybe some dizziness," The doctor began. "Just take it easy and get lots of rest."

Brooke nodded as Doctor Lee wheeled over the large ultrasound machine. It was oddly intimidating to Brooke. This machine was going to show her, her baby. This machine would make her child a reality.

"You ready to see your baby, Brooke?"

Brooke nodded because she seemed to have lost all function in her vocal chords. She pulled up her shirt to reveal a more bloated stomach. It was still easily hidden, but Brooke knew it was there.

The clear gel on her stomach was like ice. Goose-bumps erupted all over her petite body. Brooke tried to calm herself down. This was exciting.

Doctor Lee set the applicator on Brooke's lower abdomen. She glided it over the gel searching for the right spot. No more than five seconds later, appearing on the scream was a blob of whites, grays, and blacks. With a smile on her face, Doctor Lee said, "That's your baby, Brooke."

Brooke couldn't stop the tears from welling in her eyes. She never thought that this would be that emotional. Suddenly, it didn't matter that she was alone. It didn't matter that she had no one to share this with. All that mattered was that her baby was perfect.

Twenty minutes later, Brooke Davis was slinging her purse over her shoulder and walking up to the receptionist with a smile on her face. Nothing could ruin her sudden high.

"It's a white sweater with three beige buttons."

Brooke cursed her horrid luck. She swiftly turned around in hopes her back would disguise her.

"Brooke?" His voice questioned, softly.

She squeezed her eyes shut, "Hey, Luke." Brooke slowly turned around to meet Lucas.

"What are you doing here?" He was concerned. "Is everything alright?"

"Fine," Brooke said quickly. "Just a follow-up."

He suspiciously narrowed his eyes. Their sudden silence was interrupted by a high-pitched shriek coming from the direction of the examining rooms.

"Miss Davis, you forgot your sonogram."

Brooke watched as Lucas Scott's blue eyes reached an all time wide. Her heart dropped to her stomach and she could feel anxiety take over her body.

"Hey, _Brooke_," Lucas started. "You want to go get some lunch?"

Brooke sighed, "I really don't think I have a choice."

* * *

Lucas's eyes glistened in the florescent lights as he shoved a grease-drenched French fry into his mouth. He and Brooke haven't spoken since they left the doctor's office. They sat in an awkward silence all the way up to now. "Are you ready to talk now?"

Brooke shook her head, "No."

Lucas let out an exasperated sigh, "You're pregnant, Brooke."

"Really?" Brooke snapped. "I haven't realized."

"Why haven't you told anyone?" He softened his voice.

"I'm not ready."

"Does Julian know?"

Brooke let out a sarcastic grunt, "If Julian knew, do you think he would still be in L.A?"

"Well," Lucas shrugged. "He was quite the jackass when he first came to town."

"Julian doesn't know."

Lucas shook his head, "Brooke, you need to tell him. You need to tell your friends. You need to tell your mother, for God's sake. You can't go through this alone."

"Sam knows," Brooke said, shoving one of Lucas's fries into her mouth. "You know."

Lucas let out another sigh and looked the girl he was once in love with in the eyes. With all the sincerity he had, he spoke, "Brooke, you know I love you and I would back anything you set your mind too, but not telling Julian is not only hurting you, it's hurting this baby."

Brooke bit back the urge to cry. She knew it wasn't Lucas's intentions to strike a nerve, but he did. She was emotional and her hormones were in a tizzy. Of course she was going to cry at anything. "I don't know what I'm going to do, Luke."

Lucas stood up from his side of the booth, and moved over to Brooke's. He put one arm around her shoulders and looked deep into her eyes, "What you're going to do is tell Julian. Then, you're going to tell Peyton, Haley, Nathan, your mom and everyone. Everything else will work its self out."

Brooke let her head drop to Lucas's chest. A stream of tears flooded from her hazel eyes. For the first time since she found out she could be pregnant, Brooke Davis let herself cry.

Too bad crying wasn't going to fix anything.

* * *

I want you all to know that I am so grateful for each and everyone of you who comments.

It's just that there are so many of you reading and I'm only getting about seven comments per chapter.

The last thing I want to do is sound like a bitch, but I would appreciate a little more feedback.

Enough rambling. Time to get excited for American Idol.


End file.
